Things I Am Afraid Of

  • Slugs, snails, and other slimy critters.  They utterly disgust me.  I will turn into a screeching crazy person if one comes anywhere near me.
  • The dark.  Really.  I always find myself walking just a little bit faster when it’s dark.  Even in my own home.
  • Scary rides.  Which is strange, because before I became a mom, I used to LOVE them. 
  • Heights.  Being up higher than a step or two makes me feel dizzy. 

Now that I have the silly ones out of the way, there are a few things that really, REALLY scare me.

  • That I will die and leave my kids.  I have some serious medical issues going on, and I’m the only close family that either one of them has.  I worry about what will happen to them if I’m not there as a safety net.
  • Being alone forever… That I will never, ever find a true life partner.  Someone who loves me and wants to be with me for the long haul.  I’m always the friend who folks can talk to, and that’s great.  REALLY.  I’m glad I can be that person for my friends.  But I am terrified that that’s all I’ll ever be, and that nobody will ever want ME. 
  • That if I *do* find someone who truly loves me and ONLY me, that I will push them away.  I don’t know how to BE.  Whenever someone expresses interest in me, I think they’re throwing me a bone, or making fun of me.  It hurts too much to be pitied or made fun of, so I avoid either possibility as much as humanly possible.
  • Men.  I am fully aware that it’s not rational or fair.  Not every person with a penis is a predator.  But ever since I was four years old, that’s what life has taught me.  Fathers, church “elders”, romantic partners, even friends…  All have the potential to hurt me.

(Just as an aside, I was checking my email while I was writing this blog entry, and the subject line on one particular message was “We ❤ Man Repeller.”  Maybe that should be my superhero name… “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s Man Repeller!” Too funny!) 

By far, my biggest fear?  That I will never learn to overcome these fears… Not only that I won’t learn, but that I can’t learn.  That I will never be a “normal” person, with normal personal relationships, and without all my stupid neuroses.  One thing is for sure, though…  I will continue to do whatever I have to to not only survive,  but thrive.  I may succeed, I may not.  But I AM going to fight like hell to be the person I want to be.

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